CHOiCES = LIFE.....October= a challange for me= REALIZATION

 I know I have not written in awhile. You see, I have been trying to find myself. Some of you maybe asking how can she not know who she is or what she wants by now?  I But there are some of you who know that finding yourself is a life long process. Finding yourself = Life experiences, people who enter your life...those who stay and those who leave. Dont forget time.

Time plays the biggest part in all of it, about when tragedies, happiness, life changing events happen, when people enter your life, and when they leave. Some say all that makes us who we are. That maybe true because that is how I am feeling but some say life is all about CHOICES and we choose to be..us. 


Last month was a real challange for me. You see, I was tested in many areas of my life. All at one time. I thought some wounds were healed but when in fact they never healed.. I assumed, because I never treated them, I expected them to heal on their own. I was wrong.. So, unlike me dont expect some wounds to heal on their own..and dont worry sometimes time helps and at times  makes it worse..its your CHOICE to how you see it. See, in the past, there were times when things took place..and at time it felt they were the best thing that could happen in my life but with time I found out they were all regrets, mistakes, and had a negative impact on me, and there were times when  horrible things took place  but with time I found out they were the blessing in disguise. It could be that I CHOSE to see it this way or maybe it is what The Great All Mighty has a purpose for me. You see with those things it took years for me to figure out what was what.

How can one month turn a person's life upside down? For now I feel lost and confused and angry! Everything came back.  I broke the promises I made that I made to myself. I looked back and if you keep looking at the past..you will not grow.  I promised myself  not have expectations so I do not get hurt by anyone or anything...I promise I wouldnt have hope so I dont get disappointed.  I am angry that one month caused me to break all these promises to myself.. Maybe this happened so I can  grow and learn. I felt things that I never thought I could again and that could go either way..good or bad. Time will tell....

Last month was a test of my faith, of my strength, of my courage..basically I was being tested in everyway possible...Im not boasting but I am a good test taker but I didnt handle this test too well. I brought it upon myself so I cant get angry at anyone but me...I wasnt suppose to recall my past or share but I did, I wasnt suppose to let people see me for me and share a part of me that I was in denial about, I made myself vulnerable.  I was not suppose to relive my past or let my self be stepped all over but I was suppose to stand up for myself and voice myself but I didnt. I CHOSE to make those choices and yes I can blame the circumstances..but I really cant.. I didnt have to do anything I didnt want to.. So I am angry with myself. I chose to break those promises to myself.  But due to the circumstances I feel resentment towards few people..its not their fault..but they played a part...I know I am wrong for that but I am a mere human. My decisions is what makes my present which will make my future.  I know this and you might be thinking oh she is wise...but knowing this doesnt change what I am feeling and what I am going through. It just makes me acknowledge how it all happened. I know one of my biggest flaw is that I put others before myself and than I blame them for being selfish and uncaring when it is not their fault. Everything about me is synced together but my heart and brain are in two different worlds. I know that all of you know what I mean.. to make it all worse I tend am a bit too sensitive and taking things personally to the heart. Materialistic things have no meaning to me but with all that I am going through it just made everything worse.  My emotions...well..YAWWWP YAWWWPPP  (its an actual word)

I dont feel a part of my family due to the choices we all made, Old wounds became fresh, makes me want to be cynical and pessimistic, got my already broken heart bruised, I left my past emotions control me to make everything worse and now I feel cut off from the world.  I know I feel all these negative things but I barely have given it much time to process it all, but it's a cycle which needs to be broken. Im in my 20s and I have stayed quiet and never put my happiness before others because I was afraid of hurting them..and I blame them when I CHOSE to do all this!  Learn from this, learn from my mistake. You need to be the author of your life because if you arent you wont be the one writing the ending. I know its not too late for me but I will never get these years back...and its all my fault.  One month, 31 days changed me in a snap of a finger. Im overwhelmed with feelings but I will look at the bigger picture and try to get good out of it...may take a little time but I know I can do it.

Some of these feelings I have felt for over a decade which needs to be voiced and the other feelings I must learn to deal with. All this basically means I need to work on myself. I will use it to better me and look at the bigger picture. God has my whole life taken cared of so no reason to worry.


I know you must be wondering she has been negative this whole time, talking about being hurt, alone, being betrayed and feeling all these negative stuff..but is ending with a positive note.. I am hurting and I am feeling pain like I never have before. I am not going to give up on myself because it is MY LIFE and I am the one who CONTROLS what happens. You are in control of yours... I hope if reading this has helped you in any way than it was worth writing and worth sharing my experiences.